A brief autobiography

‘I was born in Hong Kong. The reason why I was born there was because my father, who was in the Royal Navy, was based there. My family - mother, father and sister Sharon - returned to England when I was 7 months old I believe.

‘I was brought up in Chatham, Kent, for the first 18 years of my life, living in the Lordswood and Luton areas and attending local primary schools.

‘I went to secondary school in Suffolk - a Royal Navy boarding school called The Royal Hospital School. I would say that the reason I went there was because I did not pass the ‘Kent test’ (a hangover from the 11-plus, retained by Kent County Council), and it was either go to ‘RHS’ or attend the local secondary modern school. I received a good education at the Royal Hospital School, but I was very unhappy there. I found the pseudo-military regime of the school oppressive and cruel and I believe the school reduced me from being a confident and happy, if somewhat precocious, child to someone who felt an inch high, a nothing.

‘A particular point to note about RHS is that, at the time I attended, the school waged a proactive campaign against boys thought to be gay. I am gay and I witnessed some terrible treatment of ‘queers’ at school, both by the school and the other boys. I believe my experience of this had a profoundly detrimental effect on my emotional and sexual development, which I still feel today.

‘I did my ‘A’ levels at Mid-Kent College of Higher and Further Education and went from there to Oxford Polytechnic (now Oxford Brookes University), where I studied Politics and Economics. I really started to ‘come back to me’ at Oxford Poly and regained a fair amount of confidence. In particular, I made loads of friends and started performing my songs live, mainly in student union bars and at events. My band, The Sell-Out, headlined a charity event for Helen House Hospice, which was probably the highlight of my music career at Oxford. It was at Oxford Poly that I was unintentionally pushed out of the closet and came out as gay, which I did to almost everyone I knew pretty quickly. The story of how I was unintentionally pushed out of the closet is fairly long, so I won’t tell it here, but it was undoubtedly one of the best things that happened to me. It was very difficult coming out with no preparation and it took me probably another 10 years before I was ok about being gay.

‘I kind of drifted after graduation, continuing to live in Oxford and doing a variety of jobs, including in Oxford City Council’s Housing Benefits department.

‘I moved to London in December 1989, to take up a post with the London Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. I was in my mid-20’s and enjoying going out almost exclusively on the gay scene and making gay friends. I think it’s fair to say I fully immersed myself in a gay identity.

‘In 1990, I think, I started living in Acton, West London, on the 8th floor of a tower block on the South Acton estate. I was to live there for 12 years and the flat I rented provided a firm base for me to enjoy my time as a youngish gay man in London.

‘In the mid to late 90’s, I used to play gigs in pubs in West London. By the end, it was a drag trying to persuade an ever-dwindling number of friends and work colleagues to journey to some venue on a wet weekday in November, so I stopped performing live sometime in the late 90’s. I played my first gig in ages in October 2006 and I quite fancy playing live again! Although my live ‘career’ ended, I have continued writing and recording tracks, some of which you can hear on the ‘My Tracks’ page and others on myspace.com or betarecords.com. I reckon I’ve got decades of writing and recording ahead of me. I do it all for my own pleasure, which is so much more leisurely and rewarding than when I wanted a record deal.

‘In 1993, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, having been unwell with pain in my stomach and, previous to that, in my colon, since I was about 17 years old. I underwent an unnecessary and traumatic operation for my Crohn’s Disease to be spotted and I was prescribed with steroids, ‘immunosuppressants,’ and Mezalazine (which I was later to be told by a doctor is basically a placebo) - none of which were any help whatsoever. Instead, the steroids caused me a lot of weight gain, a bloated appearance and made my mind feel kind of fuzzy! After the doctor told me Mezalazine was completely ineffective, in around 1995/96 I think, I stopped taking any medication. I have not had a relapse of full-on Crohn’s symptoms since 1994, but I did have a lot of discomfort in my stomach until only a few years ago. This discomfort has eased and may not have completely disappeared, and in any case is quite possibly nothing to do with Crohn’s Disease. The long and short of it is that I was very unwell with Crohn’s Disease in the 80’s and 90’s - quite a long period of time - but that for the last 12 years or more I have been increasingly well, to the extent that I kind of feel that I no longer have the disease, although I understand it is lifelong and incurable; I just don’t think about it anymore.

‘We’re roughly towards the end of the 1990’s now, which commences a period of 7 or 8 years when I went through a series of short relationships, ranging from a few weeks to less than 9 months in the case of the longest (and half of that time the person was living in Australia). This period has only recently ended and I still feel bruised by it all, but I think it all went roughly like this ...

‘It wasn’t until my mid-30’s that I had my first relationship. Prior to that, I had either not wanted a relationship or been too lacking in confidence to try. My first boyfriend came along unexpectedly; I simply met Simon in a bar one evening and he came back to my flat and stayed (with my enthusiastic encouragement). Although that first relationship didn’t work out, I developed a taste for being with someone, so after a while I started meeting guys with a view to having a boyfriend.

‘From July 1998 to January 2006, I had 6 “boyfriends,” although some only lasted a few weeks. But each one was important to me at the time and most were unexpectedly ended by the other person.

‘Each relationship was unique, but I feel as if there is some overall reason, or reasons, why none of these relationships lasted very long. My sense is that I was getting better at being in a relationship as time went on and also better at responding to the end of a relationship (which has sometimes hurt me very badly - such as being dumped by email, on the phone and once by non-communication), so I think that my lack of experience has been an important factor.

‘For a long time, I was ambivalent about being in a relationship - that, for me, a relationship was often more hard work and trouble than it was worth and I was perfectly happy being single. But then Joe came along and we have been partners since October 2008. I have now found absolutely the only person for me. I love Joe and want to share the rest of my life with him.

‘Becoming more confident as a gay man, and coming out of a long illness, alongside gaining more awareness, gave me an impetus, a few years ago, to become more the person who I really am, in every way, and to move towards that very rapidly, a process that continues to this day.

‘A first step was taking up playing football again which, although this was unintended (I simply joined a friend in going to a Leftfooters kickabout in May 2004), I knew straight away that I wanted to play football a lot and I still feel the same way. After my counselling training, playing football is probably the most important thing I have done in all my adult life. It is fantastic exercise, a total stress-buster, thoroughly exhilarating, and it has really built up my confidence. And, becoming a Leftfooter has given me access to friendships and camaraderie with a great bunch of people and also a comprehensive social life. I love Leftfooters! I now (as of December 2008) also play for Stonewall FC for a more competitive footballing atmosphere.

‘Another step was deciding to buy a home, as I had been renting up until my late 30’s. I bought my riverside apartment in Erith, Kent, in the autumn of 2004 and I really love living here. I am now closer to my family, most of whom live in Kent and I have made some great friends locally. I am from north west Kent, so moving to Erith has been like a homecoming.

‘Around the same time, I decided to change my job, which I had been unhappy in for years, and was successful in being seconded to a dynamic high profile team within Hammersmith and Fulham Council. That change developed into my moving into training/management development areas of work, and onto becoming the council’s Principal Internal Communications Officer. The Council made me redundant in August 2009. After being unemployed for 8 months, in April 2010 I started my current job with the Care Quality Commission, looking after internal communications for the registration programme.

‘I moved into my flat and started my secondment all in the same week, so there was a major transformation almost overnight. And I have not looked back.

‘So now I am more me and increasingly living my life authentically. I can even say that I am largely fulfilled and happy. And it can only get better...

‘By its nature, this biography has all been ‘me, me, me,’ but I have some great friends and a fantastic family, and I have received a lot of love and support from those who care for me. In particular, my Mum, who has always given me unconditional love and 100% dependable support. “Mum, you always said you just want your children, Sharon and I, to be happy. I am happy and so much of that is down to you. Thank you, it is recognised and very much appreciated.” Brian.’

Brian Silk, July 2007

Updated 16th April 2010

Me, aged 11, at RHS

‘Elephant Man’

On my 30th birthday, showing the effects of high doses of the steroid Prednisolone

The Sell-Out headline Helen House hospice benefit, spring 1986

Me, aged about 23

Europride 1992, with Richard and Steve

Mean Fiddler Acoustic Room,

mid-1990’s

My on holiday with the family in Orlando, 2003. Much better than the wrong boyfriend!

Me and Joe,

Gibraltar, March 2009

Me as a baby

‘So now I think we’re at the beginning of the current period, a stage of my life that I am still in. The key experience, here, was my decision to train to become a counsellor. That decision was prompted by my first boyfriend, Simon, who said that counselling was far more effective at helping him cope with his schizophrenia than the drugs he took daily. From those words, I had the idea that counselling was very powerful and I felt that I could be a counsellor.

‘My journey to becoming a counsellor took 4 years in total, including a 2 year post-graduate diploma at Thames Valley University, where the course was person-centred (Rogerian) and also existential. If I were to try to distil my counselling learning into a few key points, I would say that I gained an awareness of, well, awareness - of self and others, how to really listen to others and myself, and how to both allow and join/support others in their process. So sort of how to be more me and how to let others be, and how to appreciate me being myself and others being themselves.

My PG Dip in Counselling group at Bore Place, Kent, February 2003

Me, in action for Leftfooters FC, November 2006

View of the Thames from my flat. HMS Ark Royal sails past, July 2005

Mum and me at Tibetan Bhuddist monastery, Chengde, China, May 2005

Me, John Hancock Centre,

Chicago, July 2006